It’s no joke that parenting today needs to come with a whole new handbook of rules, tips and tricks. Momming today is hard, with all the new gadgets, social dimensions and pressure to be the self sufficient, multi faceted, do it all mom. I’m five years in with three kids (plus one in the oven). And I’ve learned some sh*t. I’ve learned enough to know that I don’t know anything. So I did decide to scrounge up the few truths I have acquired to pass along to any other mom about to embark on this so called “journey toward motherhood.”
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Seven Realistic Parenting Tips
to get you through today’s verison of mommyhood.
Never say “never.” For each time you said you’ll “never” do something as a first time parent, God laughs a funny little laugh, and then writes that never right in to your future. It’s actually one of his favorite hobbies I think!
Buy the damn nose Frida. There will be things far more gross in your future than sucking your baby’s snot up. Far. Worse. Things. Buy the Nose Frida. Suck up the snot. Thank me later.
Do not, I repeat DO NOT, post in a mommy group asking for marriage advice. You’ll probably join a mommy group on Facebook. Or two. Or ten. And that’s great! They’re super helpful for when your precious cherub develops a rash on their right earlobe at 3 am that needs immediate diagnosing. But whatever you do, don’t ask for marriage advice when you just cannot pick up one more stray husband sock. Because if you do, and at some point you probably will (even though I warned you not to!), you will have about 65 women jumping down your throat to “EMPOWER YOURSELF YOU DON’T NEED A MAN WHAT A DEADBEAT YOU POOR SWEETY THERE’S PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA I THINK YOU NEED A DIVORCE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PICK UP SOCKS”. Pardon my personal opinion here, but you don’t need to be throwing out the D word over a few white socks. Besides, I’m sure he just loves picking up 153 million bobby pins and hair ties each day. LOVES IT. 😉
Showers are for the weak. Long gone are the days of June Cleaver. Today’s mommyhood is all about seeing how long you can go between scrubs. As I type this my hair is clean for the first time in five days. FIVE DAYS. and that’s about my average lately. I used to say I’d “never” be that mom who doesn’t shower (Dang it! There’s that never I warned you about). But now I have kids that know this difference between mommy’s “body shower” and “hair shower” at the age of two. This is my life.
Ignore the giveaways. I too fell down the rabbit hole known as Instagram giveaways. Do I want a new MacBook, a Luis Vuitton and a $50 Starbucks gift card? Hells yeah I do! Am I going to win one by taking 42 minutes to follow about 250 Instagram accounts? Nope. The answer to that is a definite nope. And I’ll spend the next 10 months unfollowing all those stupid accounts too.
Get a houseplant. Just do it. The moment you see that positive pregnancy test. Go to Walmart or Lowes or your grocery store and buy a houseplant. Because you need to experience what true defeat feels like. Because it probably won’t survive under your care. Just like your dignity. And your social life.
Toss the broken toys. You will acquire toys. Lots of toys. Most of them will break. Because children are like Tasmanian devils. At one point I had a full garbage bag of broken toys I was going to “fix.” It took me three years to realize I was never going to get around to fixing them. I tossed them, and guess what, they still have too many toys.
What are some things you’ve learned while stumbling through today’s motherhood? Shout it out in the comments for the people in the back!