“It’s easy, in our culture, to idealize marriage. This is especially true for younger generations who have grown up seeing reality through the lens of social media. Authenticity is applauded and sharing your real life is celebrated—just as long as it’s not too authentic or too real.”
In the beginning of our marriage, I was so lost. Even with awesome examples of healthy marriages in my life I so struggled with how to actually BE married. I was so SELFISH. I had such high expectations. I often think Eric is a saint for hanging in there with me while I fumbled through the first few years.
I wanted marriage to fit into ‘my norm.’ I wanted us to fit like these puzzle pieces I had thought marriage would be. Perfectly measured, perfectly cut, and fitting together seamlessly. I would get so frustrated when we didn’t mold exactly as I had hoped us to.
I wasn’t giving us room to grow authentically as a couple. I wasn’t giving my husband room to be himself and evolve. I wasn’t giving myself space to adapt and change and become a wife. I was just so confused!
It was honestly year two into our marriage before I realized I was holding us to unrealistic expectations. I was trying to control our destiny on an earthly level. I wasn’t letting Jesus lead me. I wasn’t praying on our hard times. I was taking it on all alone.
I didn’t start to feel grounded in my place as wife until I realized I wasn’t praying on it. Once I started praying on it I could focus on myself, my own wrong doings, my own faults. And I could let go and focus on grace and love instead. I could give it up to God and ask for His HELP.
Don’t get me wrong, our relationship wasn’t all dark and doom. We have always been on the same team. And we are still here, we never gave up on each other.
But those early years. Those early years of marriage, I was a tough cookie to be paired with. That’s for sure. And the main reason for that was, you guessed it, my silly expectations about what we were supposed to be, my pride, my lack of compassion, my unrefined ability to give grace.
You know, all the Jesus vibes. I just didn’t have them. I was so lost.
Man, I look at that girl and I just see someone so naive. She thought she had it in her back pocket. And sometimes I still think I do, but I’d like to think I’m wiser now, and I check myself and remember I don’t know a thing. What that girl needed in that pocket was a little more Jesus vibes.
Hopefully that wasn’t too authentic for the internet.